mosaic

It is almost break because I am unfocused and random.  That's backwards, you might say; it should be that I'm unfocused and random because it's almost break.  But this is the way I function now.  Backwards.

Here's a backwards thought for you.  I went to a new church on Sunday and it felt all right and all wrong, all at the same time.  The people there were so friendly and accepting - it radiated through the air.  I could tell how much they cared about each other, about newcomers, and especially about praising God and expressing their faith.

But little things wriggled under my skin and nagged my thoughts into forming words.  The idea that we should focus our time and energy on those who are interested in learning about our beliefs, because "our number one goal in life is for as many people to come to God as possible".  I mean, it is.  But also, it's not.  The idea scares me because it takes the emphasis off of each individual person and puts it on numbers.  We need to love people with God's love - so deep that we will never give up on someone, even if they (at first) aren't receptive to what we believe.
And most of all, I don't want to give up on other people because I hate the thought of them giving up on me.

So I am formed of bits and pieces at the moment.  But I am hoping they are ordered chaos, maybe a kind of beauty in their unexpectedness.  I'm ready for this end-of-semester change.  I will be so sad to see many of my friends leave for their worldly adventures next semester - but I've been anticipating it for long enough that I'm ready to see what next semester brings.  I hope it will be full of love and willfulness and blending of souls and strange beauty.