Where was your love today?
Mine was in the eyes of a small toddler who stared, enraptured, at Taylor as he played guitar outside. It was in the astonishing blending of nine male voices, singing about love and God and being blessed. My love was in the gaping eyes and wobbly head of Melody's six-week-old niece, opening her newborn self to the world. It was wrapped up in the warm sunshine, in the exuberant blue sky and white clouds.
tell me -- where was your love today?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
new directions
It's like Glee, only it's my life.
I always say I want to dedicate my life to God and use all my actions and gifts to serve him. So when there was something I could do that seemed like it was all about doing that...it just seemed right. It was another way I could make my life about my faith and share it with other people too. I was so confident that I could continue leading my peers in ministry, learning about myself and God along the way.
And I really wanted that.
But I've learned by now that my way doesn't mean "best way", especially when it's a choice between my way and God's way. I've been stopped on a path I've chosen before, and it will surely happen again. It's not that I can't adjust to something new; it's just that I hate the feeling of the ground shaking beneath me, when at first it seemed steady.
It's hard not to treat this as a failure, especially when it's something I care so much about. So now is the part when I try to stifle my inner cries of not good enough and not wanted and hope for something different. I don't know how to silence the fear of missing my calling. You can talk about trust and laying down burdens all you want, but in the end you can still have doubt about your choices.
So for now, I guess I'll go to bed. Tomorrow is another day.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
God, it's in your hands.
I always say I want to dedicate my life to God and use all my actions and gifts to serve him. So when there was something I could do that seemed like it was all about doing that...it just seemed right. It was another way I could make my life about my faith and share it with other people too. I was so confident that I could continue leading my peers in ministry, learning about myself and God along the way.
And I really wanted that.
But I've learned by now that my way doesn't mean "best way", especially when it's a choice between my way and God's way. I've been stopped on a path I've chosen before, and it will surely happen again. It's not that I can't adjust to something new; it's just that I hate the feeling of the ground shaking beneath me, when at first it seemed steady.
It's hard not to treat this as a failure, especially when it's something I care so much about. So now is the part when I try to stifle my inner cries of not good enough and not wanted and hope for something different. I don't know how to silence the fear of missing my calling. You can talk about trust and laying down burdens all you want, but in the end you can still have doubt about your choices.
So for now, I guess I'll go to bed. Tomorrow is another day.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
God, it's in your hands.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
spring break memories [3]
This is the last of our readings, the very end to our Chambers concert.
I called through the door,
"The followers are gathering in the street. Come out!"
"Leave me alone. I'm sick."
"I don't care if you're dead!
Jesus is here, and he wants to resurrect somebody!"
-Rumi
may we all see the glory of God today. Jesus is alive, and he is here...and for me, at least, that puts everything else in perspective.
I called through the door,
"The followers are gathering in the street. Come out!"
"Leave me alone. I'm sick."
"I don't care if you're dead!
Jesus is here, and he wants to resurrect somebody!"
-Rumi
may we all see the glory of God today. Jesus is alive, and he is here...and for me, at least, that puts everything else in perspective.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
life in pictures
Walking outside in the bright sunshine with bare feet made me feel like this:
Watching a movie about the violence, aggression, and domination at the center of our culture's male image made me feel like this:
(Accidentally starting to type "violin" instead of "violence" made me smile.)
Celebrating a long, short, hard, beautiful year made me feel like this:
There will always be things that frustrate me; things that bless me; things that allow me to breathe deeply and rest; things that make me disappointed to call myself human.
This is a prayer that I've loved since my first semester of college -- and I think right now I'm finally living it. Maybe I haven't this whole year, maybe not this whole semester, but this week at least I have felt this way, and for now that's enough.
May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love. It is there for each and every one of you.
-Mother Teresa
Celebrating a long, short, hard, beautiful year made me feel like this:
There will always be things that frustrate me; things that bless me; things that allow me to breathe deeply and rest; things that make me disappointed to call myself human.
This is a prayer that I've loved since my first semester of college -- and I think right now I'm finally living it. Maybe I haven't this whole year, maybe not this whole semester, but this week at least I have felt this way, and for now that's enough.
May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love. It is there for each and every one of you.
-Mother Teresa
Thursday, March 31, 2011
justifying
It feels strange and incredible to be in this moment, which is in a way the culmination of my college musical experience thus far. But I have come to realize that the hard work is done. How deserving this music is of the dozens, maybe even hundreds of hours I have given it. I have never before dedicated the time and discipline of diving deeper and deeper into a single piece of music, until I know every note forward and backward and through, and my fingers and my very bones know what every line and melody feels like. I'm trying very hard to forget the people who will be listening: tonight is about me and this music. My greatest goal for this concert is to let the joy of music and God and life flow through my fingers, celebrating the life I have given to this instrument.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
admitting
Watching the movie Codes of Gender last night made me want to punch consumer culture in the face. It was more than the usual rant about gender representations in advertising, but it gave me the usual feelings: anger at the blatant objectification and devaluing of women, disappointment in the women everywhere who allow this to happen, and the blindness of all who look on these images and see what is "normal". And more than anything, a growing awareness of my complete inability to change it.
Sometimes I am energized by baby steps toward change for the better (like Mike vandalizing the cafeteria advertisements of a Jersey Shore-themed dance party by ripping off all the pictures of bikini-clad girls), but I'm tired of little change. I just want a world where people have the rights they deserve. Is that so much to hope and dream and pray for?
Here's a crazy new idea: this world might be too big for me.
Sometimes I am energized by baby steps toward change for the better (like Mike vandalizing the cafeteria advertisements of a Jersey Shore-themed dance party by ripping off all the pictures of bikini-clad girls), but I'm tired of little change. I just want a world where people have the rights they deserve. Is that so much to hope and dream and pray for?
Here's a crazy new idea: this world might be too big for me.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
conservativism
I have these two friends who I respect a lot who happen to be conservative. And there's this super-conservative church in Washington that they really like, and my friend posted one of their sermons online. So I listened to it (while I was writing a research paper for music history, incidentally).
I was expecting to start listening to it, become annoyed and/or infuriated, and stop. But I was surprised to realize that it actually made a lot of sense.
Okay, so there were a few moments that made me cringe, like the part about the man being the head of the household and the woman being a passive helper. ("It's a man knowing what he's doing and inviting a woman to participate.") But the point is that despite the patriarchal emphasis, a lot of it sounded good to me. Because the truth is that I still believe in marriage that lasts forever. I believe that loving someone deeply is not about happiness, it's about holiness, and happiness will follow.
This idea of my views meeting with conservative views has been confronting me a lot lately. I'm not becoming a Republican or anything -- I'm still a long way from that. But I've been challenged to accept people with different (conservative) beliefs, and even more than that, I've been realizing that we may not be as different as I used to think. I've also been realizing the importance of the middle ground. I really believe you can find common ground with anybody if you try, and yet it's so hard for us to do that with people who we understand to be "different" from us.
On the Mars Hill website, it says this:
WELCOME
it's all about Jesus, it's only about Jesus, it's always about Jesus
I mean, I can't really argue with that, right? In a sense, the rest is just details.
It's not that nothing else matters. Lots of other things are really important; but I think that if together you have a foundation on something like this, the other things should never keep you from getting along.
So, hey. Maybe we should start looking at the people who seem completely, radically different from us and find ways to relate to them and to love them. I think that would make the world a better place.
I was expecting to start listening to it, become annoyed and/or infuriated, and stop. But I was surprised to realize that it actually made a lot of sense.
Okay, so there were a few moments that made me cringe, like the part about the man being the head of the household and the woman being a passive helper. ("It's a man knowing what he's doing and inviting a woman to participate.") But the point is that despite the patriarchal emphasis, a lot of it sounded good to me. Because the truth is that I still believe in marriage that lasts forever. I believe that loving someone deeply is not about happiness, it's about holiness, and happiness will follow.
This idea of my views meeting with conservative views has been confronting me a lot lately. I'm not becoming a Republican or anything -- I'm still a long way from that. But I've been challenged to accept people with different (conservative) beliefs, and even more than that, I've been realizing that we may not be as different as I used to think. I've also been realizing the importance of the middle ground. I really believe you can find common ground with anybody if you try, and yet it's so hard for us to do that with people who we understand to be "different" from us.
On the Mars Hill website, it says this:
WELCOME
it's all about Jesus, it's only about Jesus, it's always about Jesus
I mean, I can't really argue with that, right? In a sense, the rest is just details.
It's not that nothing else matters. Lots of other things are really important; but I think that if together you have a foundation on something like this, the other things should never keep you from getting along.
So, hey. Maybe we should start looking at the people who seem completely, radically different from us and find ways to relate to them and to love them. I think that would make the world a better place.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
spring break memories [2]
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a spring was breaking
out in my heart.
I said: Along which secret aqueduct,
oh water, are you coming to me,
water of a new life
that I have never drunk?
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a fiery sun was giving
light inside my heart.
It was fiery because I felt
warmth as from a hearth,
and sun because it gave light
and brought tears to my eyes.
Last night as I slept,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that it was God I had
here inside my heart.
Antonio Machado,
Last Night As I Was Sleeping
isn't this what you always wanted your life to be?
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a spring was breaking
out in my heart.
I said: Along which secret aqueduct,
oh water, are you coming to me,
water of a new life
that I have never drunk?
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a fiery sun was giving
light inside my heart.
It was fiery because I felt
warmth as from a hearth,
and sun because it gave light
and brought tears to my eyes.
Last night as I slept,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that it was God I had
here inside my heart.
Antonio Machado,
Last Night As I Was Sleeping
isn't this what you always wanted your life to be?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
spring break memories
This is one of the readings that we included in our Chambers concert. It was instantly beautiful to me. Read it and let the words sink into your soul.
Days pass and the years vanish,
and we walk sightless among the miracles.
Lord, fill our eyes with seeing and our minds with knowing.
Let there be moments when your Presence,
like lightning,
illuminates the darkness in which we walk.
Help us to see, wherever we gaze,
that the bush burns unconsumed.
And we, clay touched by God,
will reach out for holiness and exclaim in wonder,
“How filled with awe is this place,
and we did not know it.”
Mishkan Tefilah,
Jewish Sabbath Prayer Book
Days pass and the years vanish,
and we walk sightless among the miracles.
Lord, fill our eyes with seeing and our minds with knowing.
Let there be moments when your Presence,
like lightning,
illuminates the darkness in which we walk.
Help us to see, wherever we gaze,
that the bush burns unconsumed.
And we, clay touched by God,
will reach out for holiness and exclaim in wonder,
“How filled with awe is this place,
and we did not know it.”
Mishkan Tefilah,
Jewish Sabbath Prayer Book
Monday, February 28, 2011
wholeness
A while ago, I recognized my own need for attainability. Sometimes, I realized, the world got too big for me, and then I just had to take baby steps. I think maybe this isn't a bad philosophy. I will always, always be wrestling with the bigger questions, but they so easily become overwhelming. In those times, I need to know how to be okay with the small things.
This weekend, I realized that I'm scared by the prospect of Real Life. This is such a college-student cliche, I know, but I'm into being honest with myself. It's not even the thought of what-will-I-do, it's how-will-I-do-it and what-do-I-want. I think this was brought on by the overwhelming number of people who asked me what I want to do after college. (Spending the weekend at an inter-generational food conference, this came up way too many times around the lunch table.) I was tempted to start answering simply, "I want to follow Jesus."
The car ride home challenged me just as much as, if not more than, the actual conference. Hearing people's stories about sustainable agriculture this weekend was amazing and inspiring, but talking to Larisa and Katie in the car on the way back, I was struck again by the huge, all-encompassing nature of this issue. It isn't just about food and farming, it's about the economy, energy use, oil consumption, stewardship, climate change, and the brokenness of the system. It blows my mind.
It doesn't even matter what the global solution is at this point, because we're so far from it. But that doesn't mean we should do anything, does it? That doesn't mean it's not worth it to fight a problem, just because you know you aren't going to solve it in your lifetime.
In a way, it's not even about progress or solution. It's about my complete incapability to be okay with doing nothing in the face of injustice, and I pray to God that I never lose that.
This weekend, I realized that I'm scared by the prospect of Real Life. This is such a college-student cliche, I know, but I'm into being honest with myself. It's not even the thought of what-will-I-do, it's how-will-I-do-it and what-do-I-want. I think this was brought on by the overwhelming number of people who asked me what I want to do after college. (Spending the weekend at an inter-generational food conference, this came up way too many times around the lunch table.) I was tempted to start answering simply, "I want to follow Jesus."
The car ride home challenged me just as much as, if not more than, the actual conference. Hearing people's stories about sustainable agriculture this weekend was amazing and inspiring, but talking to Larisa and Katie in the car on the way back, I was struck again by the huge, all-encompassing nature of this issue. It isn't just about food and farming, it's about the economy, energy use, oil consumption, stewardship, climate change, and the brokenness of the system. It blows my mind.
It doesn't even matter what the global solution is at this point, because we're so far from it. But that doesn't mean we should do anything, does it? That doesn't mean it's not worth it to fight a problem, just because you know you aren't going to solve it in your lifetime.
In a way, it's not even about progress or solution. It's about my complete incapability to be okay with doing nothing in the face of injustice, and I pray to God that I never lose that.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
i don't write poetry
i am fragmented;
a parceled offering held to a mirror
and found wanting.
drowning in this murky mess
of ingratitude
self destruction
lack
there is nothing so powerful
as the need
to be free.
I Am
your strength,
your blessed redemption.
day by day
I will feed your soul.
You
Will
Never
Be
Enough
but-
I Am.
a parceled offering held to a mirror
and found wanting.
drowning in this murky mess
of ingratitude
self destruction
lack
there is nothing so powerful
as the need
to be free.
I Am
your strength,
your blessed redemption.
day by day
I will feed your soul.
You
Will
Never
Be
Enough
but-
I Am.
Monday, February 14, 2011
let's just all be happy
A little part of me hates Valentine's Day.
Not because I hate love, of course. I love telling people I love them. I also love chocolate and flowers and cupcakes and decorating things (like my friend's boyfriend's car). And I love dressing up and being happy.
But I do hate things that are exclusive. I hate the name "singles awareness day", even though I have never felt that way on this day, and it doesn't apply to me now. I wish everyone was happy, no matter what their circumstances are. And most of all, I wish there wasn't such stigma attached to Valentine's Day. Like if you're single you don't have feel lonely, and if you're not, you don't have to do anything special. My own Valentine's Day celebration involved spending an entire day helping a youth group make a Valentine's Day banquet for a fundraiser, decorating and carrying plates and washing dishes, taking a break for dinner with the one who made it all worth it, and ending the day exhausted but happy. And tonight I'm having dinner with a bunch of amazing girls.
So I guess I'm asking all of us to embrace this day because it's a day. Because God gave us another chance for the millionth time, and that's pretty great. I'm saying, let's not worry about romantic love or lack of it. Let's spend time with people we love and tell them we love them.
Also, read this. It's awesome and probably made my day.
Friday, February 4, 2011
the joy of today
One of my favorite things in the world is watching people do the things that they are the most passionate about. You can see on their faces how much they love it. I have seen this twice today, both in the eyes of someone playing piano - one who played Chopin gloriously, with all the power and joy it was meant to contain, and one who played and sang her soul's delights, turning eyes in a packed coffeehouse, and whose music never fails to amaze me with its truth. And although these two were very different, they made me feel the same way. Like this is enough reason to live. This, the privilege of observing a person's deep gladness.
Friday, January 28, 2011
clear sight
Sometimes I am thankful for the chance to see things oh so clearly. When my friends at lunch were unconvinced that I could find symbolism in anything in the world (say, a glass of orange juice), they handed it over so I could prove it. And I could. Never before had I actually looked so closely at a half-full glass of orange juice, but like everything else in life, it has its complexities.
So I explained how that glass of juice was like people, surprising even myself maybe a little, and I was comforted with the reminder of potential. I can look at anything I want and find it meaningful, even beautiful. This is why I have the soul of an artist, if not the skill of one.
Earlier this morning I was asked to answer the question, "How will you bring the spirit of God onto this campus?" And I said I will keep trying not to put people into boxes, and now I know why. Because if there is depth of meaning in orange juice, it would be unthinkable for me to claim to understand everything about a person, especially one I barely know. I can look deeper. As much as I can help it, I will not judge on the outside. I want to look and truly see.
So I explained how that glass of juice was like people, surprising even myself maybe a little, and I was comforted with the reminder of potential. I can look at anything I want and find it meaningful, even beautiful. This is why I have the soul of an artist, if not the skill of one.
Earlier this morning I was asked to answer the question, "How will you bring the spirit of God onto this campus?" And I said I will keep trying not to put people into boxes, and now I know why. Because if there is depth of meaning in orange juice, it would be unthinkable for me to claim to understand everything about a person, especially one I barely know. I can look deeper. As much as I can help it, I will not judge on the outside. I want to look and truly see.
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