...so you can skip this if you're tired of them.
My junior recital is in a week. (December 2! 7:30! Martin Chapel! You should come!) So today when I was practicing I decided to play through everything straight, the way it will be next week, without stopping to fix mistakes, so I can tell what I want to work on between now and then. And it wasn't perfect, but it was exactly what I hoped for. Because after I was done I knew I got it.
Music isn't about perfection, it's about passion and joy and expression. I can't expect every note to be in tune and clear and the way I want it, but today I knew the right feelings were there. And that made me completely happy, because what more could I ask for? I just want to give the music what it deserves, and I just want to make people feel something, and I just want to lose myself in the emotion of it.
In String Pedagogy on Tuesday, Joan told us horror stories about people who play for professional orchestras, and let me tell you, if I had ever been thinking seriously about auditioning for one, I'm not planning on it anymore. I don't want to be part of anything where people can lose their job for one mistake or slash each other's tires from the pressure of it. To me, professional orchestras like that have lost the essence of what music means to me.
Anyway, the moral of the story is, I'm learning to find pure, simple joy in my music. After years of striving for perfection, it's nice.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
colors
Last night I sat in the front seat of a car reading a wonderful book about love and beauty, and when I looked up, I saw that the entire sky was consumed in a glorious sunset. The horizon from the far left to the far right was awash in brilliant color, as if God had drawn his fingers across the sky from the south to the north. And in the center, right in front of my spellbound eyes, was the brightest, hugest, most incredible blending of orange and pink fading into purple and gray and blue. It shone through our car windows and into my heart like the culmination of everything, and in that moment, it seemed to me that there was nothing more I could possibly want.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
enriching the earth
The Selected Poems of Wendell Berry has become my occasional breakfast companion, and I love this one especially. Make sure you read all the way to the end.
To enrich the earth I have sowed clover and grass
to grow and die. I have plowed in the seeds
of winter grains and of various legumes,
their growth to be plowed in to enrich the earth.
I have stirred into the ground the offal
and the decay of the growth of past seasons
and so mended the earth and made its yield increase.
All this serves the dark. I am slowly falling
into the fund of things. And yet to serve the earth,
not knowing what I serve, gives a wideness
and a delight to the air, and my days
do not wholly pass. It is the mind's service,
for when the will fails so do the hands
and one lives at the expense of life.
After death, willing or not, the body serves,
entering the earth. And so what was heaviest
and most mute is at last raised up into song.
Friday, November 4, 2011
our stories matter
Last night was the coffeehouse for Take Back the Night week, the time when everyone is invited to share stories, poems, and songs from their experiences with sexual violence. As always, these stories brought both pain and healing to those of us who heard them.
I heard a girl tell the story of a family member raping her thirteen-year-old sister, and all I could think was what if that had been my sister. I cried until my eyes were sore at hearing all the stories of abuse (so many, many stories) and felt bewildered at my own reaction. A small part of me was asking, what right do I have to cry?
I don't have a story, but I feel like I do. A wise friend of mine said, "We are the stories we've heard." I feel like a victim because I know far too many people who have experienced sexual abuse, and because I have carried their stories with me, and because I feel other people's pain when they share their words like this. Another friend told me that secondhand trauma is real and justified, and maybe that's me.
But I know that I'm glad I feel these things -- I don't ever want to cease to empathize with another's pain, because that is when we cease to embrace our shared humanity. We are human together, and we walk with each other through darkness and light.
I heard a girl tell the story of a family member raping her thirteen-year-old sister, and all I could think was what if that had been my sister. I cried until my eyes were sore at hearing all the stories of abuse (so many, many stories) and felt bewildered at my own reaction. A small part of me was asking, what right do I have to cry?
I don't have a story, but I feel like I do. A wise friend of mine said, "We are the stories we've heard." I feel like a victim because I know far too many people who have experienced sexual abuse, and because I have carried their stories with me, and because I feel other people's pain when they share their words like this. Another friend told me that secondhand trauma is real and justified, and maybe that's me.
But I know that I'm glad I feel these things -- I don't ever want to cease to empathize with another's pain, because that is when we cease to embrace our shared humanity. We are human together, and we walk with each other through darkness and light.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
top 10 books
I am and always have been a lover of books, and as a way of embracing this part of myself, I have written a list of my very favorites.
1. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
I read this first in seventh grade and again in eighth, and then came back to it my junior year of high school and loved it beyond words. It's one of those books that speaks to you in different ways at different times in your life, and although I could mostly comprehend the story as an eleven-year-old, it is much more meaningful to me now.
2. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
The stories of the women of a missionary family in the Congo, growing and changing together and apart. Barbara Kingsolver is one of my favorite authors all-around, and this book is one of her best. One of the things I like most about it is that each chapter alternates between the perspectives of a mother and her four daughters, and each one has a unique voice.
3. I Am The Messenger (Markus Zusak)
I first read this in tenth grade for an extra-credit book club. I started it one afternoon intending to read the first quarter, our assigned reading for the week, and read the entire thing straight through. It's that kind of book, and every time I re-read it I never fail to be amazed at its clarity, humility, and truth. The very idea behind it inspires me to be a better person.
4. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
It's about a girl who, after living with an abusive father following the death of her mother, runs away and finds healing in the home of three sisters who raise bees. Because it is set in the South during the Civil Rights Movement, she also learns about inequality and love without boundaries. The story may be simple, but it resonates with a kind of gloriousness and truth that many good books lack. The essence of what it communicates can be found in every human soul.
5. Blue Like Jazz (Donald Miller)
This is a collection of humble, inspiring stories about life and following Jesus. Like many books on this list, it is simple and deeply profound. If I can live my life with anything that approaches this kind of honesty and grace, I will have touched many people's lives.
6. Chronicles of Narnia (C.S. Lewis)
1. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
I read this first in seventh grade and again in eighth, and then came back to it my junior year of high school and loved it beyond words. It's one of those books that speaks to you in different ways at different times in your life, and although I could mostly comprehend the story as an eleven-year-old, it is much more meaningful to me now.
2. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)
The stories of the women of a missionary family in the Congo, growing and changing together and apart. Barbara Kingsolver is one of my favorite authors all-around, and this book is one of her best. One of the things I like most about it is that each chapter alternates between the perspectives of a mother and her four daughters, and each one has a unique voice.
3. I Am The Messenger (Markus Zusak)
I first read this in tenth grade for an extra-credit book club. I started it one afternoon intending to read the first quarter, our assigned reading for the week, and read the entire thing straight through. It's that kind of book, and every time I re-read it I never fail to be amazed at its clarity, humility, and truth. The very idea behind it inspires me to be a better person.
4. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
It's about a girl who, after living with an abusive father following the death of her mother, runs away and finds healing in the home of three sisters who raise bees. Because it is set in the South during the Civil Rights Movement, she also learns about inequality and love without boundaries. The story may be simple, but it resonates with a kind of gloriousness and truth that many good books lack. The essence of what it communicates can be found in every human soul.
5. Blue Like Jazz (Donald Miller)
This is a collection of humble, inspiring stories about life and following Jesus. Like many books on this list, it is simple and deeply profound. If I can live my life with anything that approaches this kind of honesty and grace, I will have touched many people's lives.
6. Chronicles of Narnia (C.S. Lewis)
This is obviously more than one book, but I'm listing them as one entity because they are all so wonderful. They are an extraordinary blend of imagination and depth of meaning.
7. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
I first read this when I was probably in middle school, after my mom told me she loved it. My response after reading it was something along the lines of, "I don't get it. What's the point?" Then I read it again this summer and it made me cry. It is so simple, really a children's book, but once you get older it echoes in you like childhood and eternity together.
8. The Elegance of the Hedgehog (Muriel Barbery)
The writing in this book is simply exquisite. The story is good, but it's actually irrelevant sometimes; what's more important is allowing yourself to sink into its words.
9. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
This is another exquisitely written story about redemption and finding our common humanity. It's difficult to read at times, but the issues it presents are real and relevant. The difficult moments are woven together with beauty, and the ending is timidly hopeful.
I'm aware that my list of 10 favorite books only has 9 on it. That's because although I can think of many other amazing books, none of them quite fit in at the level of these. Also, I know that there are hundreds of wonderful books out there that are still waiting for me to read them. As always, I would love to hear your suggestions. :)
7. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
I first read this when I was probably in middle school, after my mom told me she loved it. My response after reading it was something along the lines of, "I don't get it. What's the point?" Then I read it again this summer and it made me cry. It is so simple, really a children's book, but once you get older it echoes in you like childhood and eternity together.
8. The Elegance of the Hedgehog (Muriel Barbery)
The writing in this book is simply exquisite. The story is good, but it's actually irrelevant sometimes; what's more important is allowing yourself to sink into its words.
9. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)
This is another exquisitely written story about redemption and finding our common humanity. It's difficult to read at times, but the issues it presents are real and relevant. The difficult moments are woven together with beauty, and the ending is timidly hopeful.
I'm aware that my list of 10 favorite books only has 9 on it. That's because although I can think of many other amazing books, none of them quite fit in at the level of these. Also, I know that there are hundreds of wonderful books out there that are still waiting for me to read them. As always, I would love to hear your suggestions. :)
Sunday, October 23, 2011
some words I like
- Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise. - Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee. - Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee. - Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.
Monday, October 17, 2011
fall thoughts
I am feeling tentatively secure. And no, that's not an oxymoron.
I'm learning to admit the fears and insecurities that sometimes try to follow me through life. I'm learning that everyone else suffers from them too, and to admit to them is not weakness but strength. I am teaching my inner self to say, without even a shadow of a doubt, I am rightfully loved.
So when I find myself fallen and shaky and unsure of the next step in life, I am trying to find the courage to say out loud that everything is not okay. Because I've noticed that there are people in my life who seem to care an awful lot about me, and blessings like that should not be distrusted with the fear that these people want me to be perfect.
Instead, I've started telling the truth and I'm going to keep on telling it. I am happy, but not always; I am loved, but sometimes I forget; I am content with myself the way I am, but sometimes I let myself down. And all this is okay, because every soul on earth struggles with feeling hopelessly inadequate at one time or another. The worst thing we can do with this feeling is keep it inside, which is what I used to do, and it doesn't make you feel any better. Henri Nouwen said that what is most personal is most universal, and I'm going to start living that way.
I'm learning to admit the fears and insecurities that sometimes try to follow me through life. I'm learning that everyone else suffers from them too, and to admit to them is not weakness but strength. I am teaching my inner self to say, without even a shadow of a doubt, I am rightfully loved.
So when I find myself fallen and shaky and unsure of the next step in life, I am trying to find the courage to say out loud that everything is not okay. Because I've noticed that there are people in my life who seem to care an awful lot about me, and blessings like that should not be distrusted with the fear that these people want me to be perfect.
Instead, I've started telling the truth and I'm going to keep on telling it. I am happy, but not always; I am loved, but sometimes I forget; I am content with myself the way I am, but sometimes I let myself down. And all this is okay, because every soul on earth struggles with feeling hopelessly inadequate at one time or another. The worst thing we can do with this feeling is keep it inside, which is what I used to do, and it doesn't make you feel any better. Henri Nouwen said that what is most personal is most universal, and I'm going to start living that way.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
three things I love quite a lot
This blog:
http://jmuwomensstudentcaucus.wordpress.com/
I discovered it one day when looking up information about a speaker who was coming to JMU to speak about the impact of pornography. It's basically a feminist blog run by a bunch of spunky, impassioned JMU students, and I love it.
This song:
Biber's Passacaglia for solo violin. I wrote about it freshman year when I was researching Bach, but I didn't actually listen to it until String Pedagogy class on Tuesday. It makes me want to frolic off into the sunset and play violin for the rest of my life.
And this book:
http://jmuwomensstudentcaucus.wordpress.com/
I discovered it one day when looking up information about a speaker who was coming to JMU to speak about the impact of pornography. It's basically a feminist blog run by a bunch of spunky, impassioned JMU students, and I love it.
This song:
Biber's Passacaglia for solo violin. I wrote about it freshman year when I was researching Bach, but I didn't actually listen to it until String Pedagogy class on Tuesday. It makes me want to frolic off into the sunset and play violin for the rest of my life.
And this book:
I've only read six pages and I can already tell it's the wisest, most beautiful writing I've read in a while. hopefully it will inspire me to write more about it once I finish it.
So, tell me. What is it that you love right now?
Saturday, October 1, 2011
the beauty of autumn days
The past two days have been beautiful and simple and also deeply inspiring. Yesterday was a perfect sunny crisp day of hiking to Tiger Rocks and reliving memories of camp. We read the Bible at the top of the mountain and talked about missions and our callings, and the wind swirled vigorously above us through the treetops. We watched hawks glide serenely and powerfully below us, and I thought, God is alive.
And today I ate pancakes with apple-butter faces at the relief sale and watched my breath fog in the newly-October air, and reveled in the glory of food and people and handmade things and fall. Then we drove to a church and dressed in our best clothes and sat in the front row for the wedding of April and Scott -- two people who make each other whole. They wrote their vows with words and stories that made tears spill from my eyes, in wonder at the beauty of love and everything else. Then they sat together on a piano bench and played a duet, mostly improvised, of lyrical and touching melodies that made my heart open wide. In that moment their whole world was centered in each other, and the rest of us were breathless to witness it.
And today I ate pancakes with apple-butter faces at the relief sale and watched my breath fog in the newly-October air, and reveled in the glory of food and people and handmade things and fall. Then we drove to a church and dressed in our best clothes and sat in the front row for the wedding of April and Scott -- two people who make each other whole. They wrote their vows with words and stories that made tears spill from my eyes, in wonder at the beauty of love and everything else. Then they sat together on a piano bench and played a duet, mostly improvised, of lyrical and touching melodies that made my heart open wide. In that moment their whole world was centered in each other, and the rest of us were breathless to witness it.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
equality?
I wrote this for the Weather Vane this week because I care about it. You should read it and think about it and then do something about it.
I am a woman. And I am objectified.
This week I and several other EMU students attended a presentation at JMU about pornography and its impact on modern-day American culture, entitled “Pornography’s Perfect Storm of Inequality: Patriarchy, White Supremacy, and Capitalism.” The speaker was Dr. Robert Jensen, a visiting professor from the University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Jensen’s arguments encompassed the growth of the porn industry, the reasons for its success, and its incredible capacity to dehumanize and objectify human beings.
Dr. Jensen challenged the audience with the truth. He spoke to us about life in the “post-Playboy world,” and the need to form a life of integrity and meaning in a culture where sex is marketed and sold like any other commodity. However, sex itself is not the problem; the problem is that we regularly “buy, sell, and rent objectified women’s bodies for sexual pleasure.”
“Pornography is not just sex on film,” said Dr. Jensen. “It’s sex presented in the context of domination and subordination...and the sex in pornography is made sexy by that domination and subordination.”
This attitude of domination and subordination does not extend only to women who are directly involved in the production of porn. The prevalence of pornography is large enough that its assumptions, stereotypes, and attitudes extend throughout our entire society. Because of this, it is not just a few who are impacted. We are all influenced by the effects of pornography, whether directly or indirectly.
Pornography has normalized an appalling level of violence and disrespect against women in the context of sexuality. The voices who dare to speak out against pornography risk being written off as too uptight, judgmental, or sexually repressed. The voices of women and children suffering from the sex trade industry are drowned out by the voices of profit and sexual liberation. But in the words of Dr. Jensen, we must “recognize what we’ve done in the name of liberation.”
I am blessed with a privileged life and the freedom to make my own choices. However, I cannot feel liberated or even fully respected when other women are suffering. When I see any instance of objectification and degradation toward other women, the impact of this objectification extends to me. I am not yet so distant from my fellow human beings that I do not feel any part of their suffering. We must stand in solidarity with our sisters and mothers and daughters – even the ones we have never met.
In my mind, I have a vision of a world where everyone is equal and free. I want to see people who are not afraid to stand up against sexism in the media, against objectification of women, and against valuing us for our bodies alone. The issues of pornography and sexual violence are often still viewed as uncomfortable or forbidden topics, but I believe the longer we stay silent, the more we condone the oppression of ourselves and our fellow human beings.
I challenge you, myself, and our broader community as a whole to speak up. We must not allow fear or complacency to silence us any longer.
This week I and several other EMU students attended a presentation at JMU about pornography and its impact on modern-day American culture, entitled “Pornography’s Perfect Storm of Inequality: Patriarchy, White Supremacy, and Capitalism.” The speaker was Dr. Robert Jensen, a visiting professor from the University of Texas at Austin. Dr. Jensen’s arguments encompassed the growth of the porn industry, the reasons for its success, and its incredible capacity to dehumanize and objectify human beings.
Dr. Jensen challenged the audience with the truth. He spoke to us about life in the “post-Playboy world,” and the need to form a life of integrity and meaning in a culture where sex is marketed and sold like any other commodity. However, sex itself is not the problem; the problem is that we regularly “buy, sell, and rent objectified women’s bodies for sexual pleasure.”
“Pornography is not just sex on film,” said Dr. Jensen. “It’s sex presented in the context of domination and subordination...and the sex in pornography is made sexy by that domination and subordination.”
This attitude of domination and subordination does not extend only to women who are directly involved in the production of porn. The prevalence of pornography is large enough that its assumptions, stereotypes, and attitudes extend throughout our entire society. Because of this, it is not just a few who are impacted. We are all influenced by the effects of pornography, whether directly or indirectly.
Pornography has normalized an appalling level of violence and disrespect against women in the context of sexuality. The voices who dare to speak out against pornography risk being written off as too uptight, judgmental, or sexually repressed. The voices of women and children suffering from the sex trade industry are drowned out by the voices of profit and sexual liberation. But in the words of Dr. Jensen, we must “recognize what we’ve done in the name of liberation.”
I am blessed with a privileged life and the freedom to make my own choices. However, I cannot feel liberated or even fully respected when other women are suffering. When I see any instance of objectification and degradation toward other women, the impact of this objectification extends to me. I am not yet so distant from my fellow human beings that I do not feel any part of their suffering. We must stand in solidarity with our sisters and mothers and daughters – even the ones we have never met.
In my mind, I have a vision of a world where everyone is equal and free. I want to see people who are not afraid to stand up against sexism in the media, against objectification of women, and against valuing us for our bodies alone. The issues of pornography and sexual violence are often still viewed as uncomfortable or forbidden topics, but I believe the longer we stay silent, the more we condone the oppression of ourselves and our fellow human beings.
I challenge you, myself, and our broader community as a whole to speak up. We must not allow fear or complacency to silence us any longer.
Monday, September 19, 2011
five
five phrases i aspire to live by, from my recent thoughts, reading, and life experiences
1. become a storyteller.
2. love wastefully.
3. live life with your arms wide open.
4. burst bubbles, yours and the world's, with the truth.
5. ask your questions.
1. become a storyteller.
2. love wastefully.
3. live life with your arms wide open.
4. burst bubbles, yours and the world's, with the truth.
5. ask your questions.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
imperfection
Tonight is my first orchestra rehearsal as concertmaster. It's also my first time playing first violin in college -- until now I've been principal second. By now I know my own tendency to hold myself to perfectionism, especially when it comes to my music, and this type of situation is the worst. Whether or not it's true, situations like this make it easy for me to convince myself that everyone else expects me to be perfect, too.
So I'm trying out a new philosophy called "confident mistakes". Here's the truth: I'm not perfect, and neither are you, and neither is anyone else. So let's be imperfect together.
So I'm trying out a new philosophy called "confident mistakes". Here's the truth: I'm not perfect, and neither are you, and neither is anyone else. So let's be imperfect together.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
life in community
"Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all people love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour increasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family."
-Henri Nouwen
If everybody believed this, think of what life would be like. If everybody lived this, think of what the church would be like.
This year, I am creating more of my own life than I ever have before. Living in an apartment opens up so many more questions about community, food, balancing time, and how to navigate the little choices that make up our days. I believe there are many things that are essential to a healthy community, and one of them is a personal awareness that "I am not perfect, and neither is anybody else". There are many, many times when I love poorly, but there is something so beautiful and blessed about this fellowship of the weak.
I've been feeling increasingly convicted to spend my life living in intentional community. I need other people to help me struggle with life decisions and conscious living. It would be far too easy to close myself into a comfortable bubble of this-is-my-life-and-this-is-how-i-do-things. So this year, I am beginning to share my life and choices with seven other people who also care deeply for the entirety of God's creation and about following in Jesus's footsteps.
I'm reading The Irresistible Revolution for the second time, and it is hard to live with. It is good and encouraging and inspiring, but it leaves me with a growing sense that if I were to truly follow the call of the gospel, my life would look nothing like this. It would look a whole lot more like giving up material possessions, living among the less privileged, and finding Jesus in the eyes of those who are "different" from me.
As I told one of my roommates recently, most days I don't know what to do or how to make my life everything it should be, but I'm committed to figuring it out. And every time I am struck by my complete and utter inconsistency, I am reminded of God's immeasurable faithfulness. He is everything I am not.
-Henri Nouwen
If everybody believed this, think of what life would be like. If everybody lived this, think of what the church would be like.
This year, I am creating more of my own life than I ever have before. Living in an apartment opens up so many more questions about community, food, balancing time, and how to navigate the little choices that make up our days. I believe there are many things that are essential to a healthy community, and one of them is a personal awareness that "I am not perfect, and neither is anybody else". There are many, many times when I love poorly, but there is something so beautiful and blessed about this fellowship of the weak.
I've been feeling increasingly convicted to spend my life living in intentional community. I need other people to help me struggle with life decisions and conscious living. It would be far too easy to close myself into a comfortable bubble of this-is-my-life-and-this-is-how-i-do-things. So this year, I am beginning to share my life and choices with seven other people who also care deeply for the entirety of God's creation and about following in Jesus's footsteps.
I'm reading The Irresistible Revolution for the second time, and it is hard to live with. It is good and encouraging and inspiring, but it leaves me with a growing sense that if I were to truly follow the call of the gospel, my life would look nothing like this. It would look a whole lot more like giving up material possessions, living among the less privileged, and finding Jesus in the eyes of those who are "different" from me.
As I told one of my roommates recently, most days I don't know what to do or how to make my life everything it should be, but I'm committed to figuring it out. And every time I am struck by my complete and utter inconsistency, I am reminded of God's immeasurable faithfulness. He is everything I am not.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
humanity
"Ubuntu speaks of the very essence of being human. We say, 'Hey, so-and-so has ubuntu.' Then you are generous, you are hospitable, you are friendly and caring and compassionate. You share what you have. It is to say, 'My humanity is caught up, is inextricably bound up, in yours.' We belong in a bundle of life. We say, 'A person is a person through other persons.'
...
A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed, or treated as if they were less than who they are."
-Desmond Tutu
...
A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed, or treated as if they were less than who they are."
-Desmond Tutu
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