wedding sights

I think my favorite thing about weddings is the way everybody cares so much, and I could tell this just by looking around.  I loved looking at the bride in her glorious, lace-covered beauty, but even more than that, I liked the way the air felt different when she was there.  I liked watching everyone else and seeing their eyes get soft when they looked at her.  And I liked the bridesmaids' mother-hen manner as they flitted around her, fixing her train and protecting her from even the slightest harm on her happiest day.  I loved seeing that everyone there was the same as their usual selves but also more, in a culmination of joy and beauty.  That was the best part -- that all the energy and love was focused on that day, right then.

I like this because I am just so very susceptible to hovering, and because of that, sometimes I don't adjust well to in-between-ness.  But instead of hovering I want to embrace here and now, always.  For this time is what I have been given, no matter how much I always seem to look toward the next thing instead of being in the present.  How blessed I am to have things to look toward... but still, for now, I will try to teach my timid feet to land.

validation

I feel like I'm losing my words.  Either that or summertime signifies a decrease in things that make me think deeply.  Actually, that's probably it.
Still, I have this need to express my current life in words, thereby validating it in some way.  So here's a random collaboration of thoughts, for better or for worse.

1)  There is so much wisdom to be learned from our elders.  At least my elders.  This week I helped my grandma clean her house, which mostly included talking to her, hearing her stories, thoughts, and life experiences.  I haven't even begun to imagine some of the things she's experienced, and I felt so blessed to hear her speak of them.
2)  I think I might try writing a poem every day for some undetermined stretch of time.  I love reading poetry, and I want to practice writing it too.
3)  People are great.  Did you know that?  This morning I decided that if my life were an experiment, the one conclusion I would feel qualified to make is this:  People are great.
4)  I am surprisingly (to myself) adamant in my dislike of Wal-Mart.  I've long been opposed to a corporation that ruthlessly exploits workers, vendors, and customers, but I recently read the book "How Wal-Mart is Destroying America (And the World):  And What You Can Do About It".  And since then, whenever I hear about people shopping at Wal-Mart, I just think, do they KNOW?  I mean, are they AWARE what they are supporting??
If you're curious, read that book.
5)  Yesterday Melody and I realized that we read different books of the Bible for our accountability group.  We're supposed to pick one together each week when we meet and then read that book, separately, throughout the week.  But this week we realized she read Romans and I read Hebrews, which is seemingly unexplainable and also hilarious.
6)  I'm going to a wedding tomorrow for two people I love a lot.  I think weddings have to be my favorite large social events -- they're just so happy!
7)  I'm taking a French language CLEP test in two weeks.  It's actually nice to re-induct myself into the language of my high school years... plus I get to read Charlie Brown in French.  I mean, really-- is there any better way to study?
8)  I am so inexpressibly excited to work at camp again this summer.  It is such a blessing...to devote yourself to serving and loving more than you ever thought you could.  I know it's going to be challenging too, and I can't wait to see the ways God is working in all of our lives and what I learn from it.
9)  I've missed 11:11 a lot recently.  I'm not taking it as a sign.
10)  I'm finding myself simply thankful.  God is here, in my life, and I know such beautiful people.  And how lucky am I to get to experience both of those things at the same time?  Everyone should be so blessed.

So, although I would like to believe that my life is not quantifiable, there it is in list form.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."  -Isaiah 30:21

believing

Because even though I feel as if I am drowning in rain these days, I still believe in sunshine and blue sky and days that exude happiness.

i thank You God for most this amazing day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything wich is natural which is infinite which is yes (i who have died am alive again today, and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth day of life and love and wings:and of the gay great happening illimitably earth) how should tasting touching hearing seeing breathing any-lifted from the no of all nothing-human merely being doubt unimaginable You? (now the ears of my ears awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened) ~i thank You God by e.e. cummings

my aspirations

Poetry like this wraps its words so lovingly around truth, leaving me in wonder at its effortless capturing of everything I strive for.

To Begin With, the Sweet Grass

(excerpts)

2.

Eat bread and understand comfort.
Drink water and understand delight.
Visit the garden where the scarlet trumpets
    are opening their bodies for the hummingbirds
who are drinking the sweetness, who are
    thrillingly gluttonous.

For one thing leads to another.
Soon you will notice how stones shine underfoot.
Eventually tides will be the only calendar you believe in.
And someone’s face, whom you love, will be as a star
both intimate and ultimate,
and you will be both heart-shaken and respectful.
And you will hear the air itself, like a beloved, whisper:
oh, let me, for a while longer, enter the two
beautiful bodies of your lungs.

3.

The witchery of living
is my whole conversation
with you, my darlings.
All I can tell you is what I know.

Look, and look again.
This world is not just a little thrill for the eyes.

It’s more than bones.
It’s more than the delicate wrist with its personal pulse.
It’s more than the beating of a single heart.
It’s praising.
It’s giving until the giving feels like receiving.
You have a life–just imagine that!
You have this day, and maybe another, and maybe
    still another.

6.

Let me ask you this.
Do you also think that beauty exists for some
    fabulous reason?

And, if you have not been enchanted by this adventure–
your life–
what would do for you?

7.

What I loved in the beginning, I think, was mostly myself.
Never mind that I had to, since somebody had to.
That was many years ago.
Since then I have gone out from my confinements,
    though with difficulty.
I mean the ones that thought to rule my heart.
I cast them out; I put them on the mush pile.
They will be nourishment somehow (everything is nourishment
    somehow or another).

And I have become the child of the clouds, and of hope.
I have become the friend of the enemy, whoever that is.
I have become older and, cherishing what I have learned,
I have become younger.

And what do I risk to tell you this, which is all I know?
Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world.

~Mary Oliver

summer reading list

So I just made a reading list for this summer.  I have a gigantic ongoing reading list, but these are a few I picked for the next few weeks/months:

1)  The Chronicles of Narnia -- classics.  I've been wanting to re-read them for a long time, and if you haven't read them yet, you really should.
2)  The Lacuna (Barbara Kingsolver) -- I love Barbara Kingsolver more than words can adequately express, and I haven't read this one yet.  Thus, it is on my list.
3)  The Sound and the Fury (William Faulkner) -- I'm reading this as part of a group of English majors who started a reading blog to talk about books this summer.
4)  Water for Elephants (Sara Gruen) -- This is just a random one that people keep telling me I should read.  I've been putting it off for a while, but I did that with the Kite Runner too, and look how fantastic that one turned out to be.
5)  The Brothers K (David James Duncan) -- again, it's been highly recommended and has been on my monster book list for a while.
6)  To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee) -- my favorite book in the whole world.  


any book suggestions are always welcomed.  :)

a picture of Jesus

Where was your love today?

Mine was in the eyes of a small toddler who stared, enraptured, at Taylor as he played guitar outside.  It was in the astonishing blending of nine male voices, singing about love and God and being blessed.  My love was in the gaping eyes and wobbly head of Melody's six-week-old niece, opening her newborn self to the world.  It was wrapped up in the warm sunshine, in the exuberant blue sky and white clouds.

tell me -- where was your love today?

poem for holy week

will I lay my cloak before you,
when they arrest you on olive mountain,
or pull it tighter around me,
fading into the ranks of the deserters;

will I shout
‘Blessed is the one who comes
in the name of the Lord!’
when they parade you
before the authorities,
or will I tell any one – and every one – around me
I never met you in my life;

will I lay my palm branches at your feet,
as they march you to Calvary,
or use them to put more stripes
on your bloody back;

will I run behind you
when they carry you to the tomb,
or turn away
as the ashes of my hopes
are rubbed into the
wounds in my heart?

-anonymous

my church's good friday service was called "Tenebrae...a service of shadows".  I liked that title because it distinguished shadows from darkness.  Life is full of not only light and darkness, but dimness and shadows and all kinds of illumination -- and the shadows remind us that there must be light somewhere.

new directions

It's like Glee, only it's my life.
I always say I want to dedicate my life to God and use all my actions and gifts to serve him.  So when there was something I could do that seemed like it was all about doing that...it just seemed right.  It was another way I could make my life about my faith and share it with other people too.  I was so confident that I could continue leading my peers in ministry, learning about myself and God along the way.
And I really wanted that.

But I've learned by now that my way doesn't mean "best way", especially when it's a choice between my way and God's way.  I've been stopped on a path I've chosen before, and it will surely happen again.  It's not that I can't adjust to something new; it's just that I hate the feeling of the ground shaking beneath me, when at first it seemed steady.

It's hard not to treat this as a failure, especially when it's something I care so much about.  So now is the part when I try to stifle my inner cries of not good enough and not wanted and hope for something different.  I don't know how to silence the fear of missing my calling.  You can talk about trust and laying down burdens all you want, but in the end you can still have doubt about your choices.
So for now, I guess I'll go to bed.  Tomorrow is another day.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson


God, it's in your hands.

spring break memories [3]

This is the last of our readings, the very end to our Chambers concert.


I called through the door,
   "The followers are gathering in the street.  Come out!"


   "Leave me alone.  I'm sick."


   "I don't care if you're dead!
   Jesus is here, and he wants to resurrect somebody!"

   -Rumi 


may we all see the glory of God today.  Jesus is alive, and he is here...and for me, at least, that puts everything else in perspective.

life in pictures

Walking outside in the bright sunshine with bare feet made me feel like this:

Watching a movie about the violence, aggression, and domination at the center of our culture's male image made me feel like this:

(Accidentally starting to type "violin" instead of "violence" made me smile.)

Celebrating a long, short, hard, beautiful year made me feel like this:

There will always be things that frustrate me; things that bless me; things that allow me to breathe deeply and rest; things that make me disappointed to call myself human.

This is a prayer that I've loved since my first semester of college -- and I think right now I'm finally living it. Maybe I haven't this whole year, maybe not this whole semester, but this week at least I have felt this way, and for now that's enough.

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love. It is there for each and every one of you.
     -Mother Teresa

justifying

It feels strange and incredible to be in this moment, which is in a way the culmination of my college musical experience thus far.  But I have come to realize that the hard work is done.  How deserving this music is of the dozens, maybe even hundreds of hours I have given it.  I have never before dedicated the time and discipline of diving deeper and deeper into a single piece of music, until I know every note forward and backward and through, and my fingers and my very bones know what every line and melody feels like.  I'm trying very hard to forget the people who will be listening:  tonight is about me and this music.  My greatest goal for this concert is to let the joy of music and God and life flow through my fingers, celebrating the life I have given to this instrument.

admitting

Watching the movie Codes of Gender last night made me want to punch consumer culture in the face.  It was more than the usual rant about gender representations in advertising, but it gave me the usual feelings:  anger at the blatant objectification and devaluing of women, disappointment in the women everywhere who allow this to happen, and the blindness of all who look on these images and see what is "normal".  And more than anything, a growing awareness of my complete inability to change it.

Sometimes I am energized by baby steps toward change for the better (like Mike vandalizing the cafeteria advertisements of a Jersey Shore-themed dance party by ripping off all the pictures of bikini-clad girls), but I'm tired of little change.  I just want a world where people have the rights they deserve.  Is that so much to hope and dream and pray for?

Here's a crazy new idea:  this world might be too big for me.

conservativism

I have these two friends who I respect a lot who happen to be conservative.  And there's this super-conservative church in Washington that they really like, and my friend posted one of their sermons online.  So I listened to it (while I was writing a research paper for music history, incidentally).
I was expecting to start listening to it, become annoyed and/or infuriated, and stop.  But I was surprised to realize that it actually made a lot of sense.

Okay, so there were a few moments that made me cringe, like the part about the man being the head of the household and the woman being a passive helper.  ("It's a man knowing what he's doing and inviting a woman to participate.")  But the point is that despite the patriarchal emphasis, a lot of it sounded good to me.  Because the truth is that I still believe in marriage that lasts forever.  I believe that loving someone deeply is not about happiness, it's about holiness, and happiness will follow.

This idea of my views meeting with conservative views has been confronting me a lot lately.  I'm not becoming a Republican or anything -- I'm still a long way from that.  But I've been challenged to accept people with different (conservative) beliefs, and even more than that, I've been realizing that we may not be as different as I used to think.  I've also been realizing the importance of the middle ground.  I really believe you can find common ground with anybody if you try, and yet it's so hard for us to do that with people who we understand to be "different" from us.

On the Mars Hill website, it says this:
WELCOME
it's all about Jesus, it's only about Jesus, it's always about Jesus

I mean, I can't really argue with that, right?  In a sense, the rest is just details.
It's not that nothing else matters.  Lots of other things are really important; but I think that if together you have a foundation on something like this, the other things should never keep you from getting along.

So, hey.  Maybe we should start looking at the people who seem completely, radically different from us and find ways to relate to them and to love them.  I think that would make the world a better place.

spring break memories [2]

Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a spring was breaking
out in my heart.
I said: Along which secret aqueduct,
oh water, are you coming to me,
water of a new life
that I have never drunk?

Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.

Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a fiery sun was giving
light inside my heart.
It was fiery because I felt
warmth as from a hearth,
and sun because it gave light
and brought tears to my eyes.

Last night as I slept,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that it was God I had
here inside my heart.


Antonio Machado,
Last Night As I Was Sleeping


isn't this what you always wanted your life to be?

spring break memories

This is one of the readings that we included in our Chambers concert.  It was instantly beautiful to me. Read it and let the words sink into your soul.


Days pass and the years vanish, 
and we walk sightless among the miracles. 
Lord, fill our eyes with seeing and our minds with knowing. 
Let there be moments when your Presence, 
like lightning, 
illuminates the darkness in which we walk. 
Help us to see, wherever we gaze, 
that the bush burns unconsumed. 
And we, clay touched by God, 
will reach out for holiness and exclaim in wonder, 
“How filled with awe is this place,
 and we did not know it.”


Mishkan Tefilah, 
Jewish Sabbath Prayer Book