It's like Glee, only it's my life.
I always say I want to dedicate my life to God and use all my actions and gifts to serve him. So when there was something I could do that seemed like it was all about doing that...it just seemed right. It was another way I could make my life about my faith and share it with other people too. I was so confident that I could continue leading my peers in ministry, learning about myself and God along the way.
And I really wanted that.
But I've learned by now that my way doesn't mean "best way", especially when it's a choice between my way and God's way. I've been stopped on a path I've chosen before, and it will surely happen again. It's not that I can't adjust to something new; it's just that I hate the feeling of the ground shaking beneath me, when at first it seemed steady.
It's hard not to treat this as a failure, especially when it's something I care so much about. So now is the part when I try to stifle my inner cries of not good enough and not wanted and hope for something different. I don't know how to silence the fear of missing my calling. You can talk about trust and laying down burdens all you want, but in the end you can still have doubt about your choices.
So for now, I guess I'll go to bed. Tomorrow is another day.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
God, it's in your hands.
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