clear sight

Sometimes I am thankful for the chance to see things oh so clearly.  When my friends at lunch were unconvinced that I could find symbolism in anything in the world (say, a glass of orange juice), they handed it over so I could prove it.  And I could.  Never before had I actually looked so closely at a half-full glass of orange juice, but like everything else in life, it has its complexities.
So I explained how that glass of juice was like people, surprising even myself maybe a little, and I was comforted with the reminder of potential.  I can look at anything I want and find it meaningful, even beautiful.  This is why I have the soul of an artist, if not the skill of one.

Earlier this morning I was asked to answer the question, "How will you bring the spirit of God onto this campus?"  And I said I will keep trying not to put people into boxes, and now I know why.  Because if there is depth of meaning in orange juice, it would be unthinkable for me to claim to understand everything about a person, especially one I barely know.  I can look deeper.  As much as I can help it, I will not judge on the outside.  I want to look and truly see.

this is God on earth

this is a list of 100 things that make me happy.  it is wonderful and inspiring.

1. watching the sun set
2. metaphors and symbolism
3. defrosting the freezer
4. singing four-part harmony
5. the taste of fruit that is fresh and in season
6. the smell of books
7. seeing a rainbow
8. my campers (and learning to love them unconditionally)
9. all the colors of blue
10. hands that are mine to hold
11. a dinner table surrounded by my laughing, happy family
12. rain dances
13. being uninhibited
14. poetry that strikes a chord in me
15. a day of sunshine and blue, blue sky
16. listening to a child laugh
17. writing with depth and honesty
18. finishing a good book
19. a chord perfectly in tune
20. a rainy day with a blanket, a book, and a cup of tea
21. lazy, quiet summer lunches
22. songs that don’t resolve
23. mud squishing between my bare toes
24. armchairs I can melt into
25. following my own thoughts
26. art
27. changing seasons
28. a bowl of granola with milk from the farmers’ market
29. autumn leaves that turn every color of the sunset and crunch under my feet
30. hugs
31. inexplicable joy
32. summer’s first glass of mint tea
33. shaping words to match feelings
34. finding beauty in pain
35. sharing an awkward moment
36. wearing dryer-warm sweat pants on a cold winter night
37. being called a hippie
38. finishing a project and knowing that I Made This.
39. wordless understanding
40. daffodils that wave in the breeze
41. finding meaning in something that doesn’t make sense
42. 11:11
43. affirmation just when I need it
44. finding something after I’ve given up looking
45. alternative means of transportation
46. signs of peace
47. honesty
48. moments when someone else understands me better than I understand myself
49. the Wailin’ Jennys
50. feeling beautiful
51. a successful performance
52. curiosity
53. wishing on dandelion seeds
54. my bare feet on cool grass or warm pavement
55. the ocean
56. the excitement of Christmas
57. clouds
58. when worlds intersect
59. wearing hats
60. playfully fighting over olives at Thanksgiving
61. snowflakes on my tongue
62. a fire in a fireplace
63. homemade jam
64. snuggling
65. choosing the illogical option because it feels right
66. notes from people I love
67. being ridiculous
68. collages
69. irony
70. getting letters in the mail
71. wondering
72. realizing that I am small and God is big
73. braided hair and inner beauty
74. being with people I love
75. blowing bubbles
76. cute animals
77. a bright full moon
78. allowing myself to be surprised
79. enthusiasm for the littlest things
80. sunflowers
81. feeling exuberant
82. singing camp songs (and doing the motions)
83. unexpected blessings
84. random, hilarious conversations
85. bright colors
86. overcoming
87. random escapades of college students, ridiculousness, late nights, and laughter
88. kisses on my cheek
89. pictures of love
90. cereal
91. music that is full of life and spirit
92. hammocks
93. the farmers’ market and local food
94. handmade jewelry
95. postsecrets
96. accomplishing goals
97. deciding something important
98. natural rhythms of life
99. laughing till you cry
100. the people who are my everyday blessings

changing the world, one meal at a time

I love eating locally because it makes my hands dirty, my stomach happy, and my heart full.  It makes me so incredibly thankful for the wonderful friends I have.  People who will share their homemade jam and dumpster-dived knives, gather together in the midst of chaos, line up to wash each other's dishes, and clean liquefied butternut squash off counters.

Leading the local meals for SFI are some of the times that make me think, I was made for this.  Sitting at a table full of people and joy, eating justice food.  I think that kind of food might be one of the few tangible representations of the kingdom of God on earth.  because when you eat it, you know what's behind it and in it, whose hands have cared for it, and why it's worth extra time and money and energy to prepare it.  It also teaches me to trust in the unpredictableness of things, the way I trust that God is infinitely more loving and gracious than I deserve.  I cannot guess the exact number of potatoes I will need any more than I can control the delicate workings of my everyday life, and nevertheless, both of them always work out somehow in the end.

And for this, I will always remember to be thankful.  blessed be the name of the Lord.

i can DO it

Sometimes people know exactly the right things to say to me.  

I have spent the past several months learning a concerto with which to audition for the concerto competition, the past several weeks practicing it over and over and over, and the past several hours trying to ignore the growing feeling of fear and stress in the bottom of my stomach.  Tomorrow I will find out if these many, many hours of practice have been worth it.

It's actually not quite how it sounds....Even if I'm not one of the ones who gets to perform their concerto at the EMU spring concert in March, I will have learned a great piece of music, and I will have another chance when I'm a senior.  But I'm so afraid of walking off that stage knowing I could have done better.  I owe it to myself, at least, to give an amazing performance.

This week, rehearsing with my private teacher, she somehow knew exactly what to tell me to remember.  I suppose it's not that surprising, considering that she's gone through this process many times herself.  But she keeps telling me, don't worry about the little things.  Little things will always go wrong.  Focus on capturing the bigger feelings of the music, think about where each line is going, and grab onto it when you get there.  

And today as I was leaving, she told me, remember this:  you're giving a gift to the audience.  And I thought - as a musician, what more could I ask for?  I was born to do this.  Not to win competitions or gain glory and admiration....but to touch the hearts of an audience.  

on the brink of "goodbyes"

There Is No Word For Goodbye
Mary Tall Mountain
 
Sokoya, I said, looking through
the net of wrinkles into
wise black pools
of her eyes.

What do you say in Athabaskan
when you leave each other?
What is the word
for goodbye?

A shade of feeling rippled
the wind-tanned skin.
Ah, nothing, she said,
watching the river flash.

She looked at me close.
We just say, Tlaa. That means,
See you.
We never leave each other.
When does your mouth
say goodbye to your heart?

She touched me light
as a bluebell.
You forget when you leave us;
you’re so small then.
We don’t use that word.

We always think you’re coming back,
but if you don’t,
we’ll see you someplace else.
You understand.
There is no word for goodbye.

here and now

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.  ~Hal Borland


Recently I was asked what my vision is for the new year and I got overwhelmed.  How can I figure out what I want from this year?  It's hard enough to know how to find peace with each day at a time.  It's not that I won't have goals, or that I don't have things I want to change; it's that I want to tackle them when I come to them, when it's the right time.  For some of them that time is now; others will begin to shine at the proper moment.


So I won't allow myself to be afraid of the future, ever.  One of my friends from Highland always says, "There is one time, and it is now.  There is one place, and it is here."  Although it was usually quoted to impatient campers who wanted to know what was next on the schedule, I think it applies to life, too.  True contentment comes from finding a sense of peace in every situation, no matter the circumstances.  I will still try to change my circumstances, because I believe deeply in a better world, but I will also allow myself to sink into the joy that is here and now.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
~T.S. Eliot