a picture of Jesus

Where was your love today?

Mine was in the eyes of a small toddler who stared, enraptured, at Taylor as he played guitar outside.  It was in the astonishing blending of nine male voices, singing about love and God and being blessed.  My love was in the gaping eyes and wobbly head of Melody's six-week-old niece, opening her newborn self to the world.  It was wrapped up in the warm sunshine, in the exuberant blue sky and white clouds.

tell me -- where was your love today?

poem for holy week

will I lay my cloak before you,
when they arrest you on olive mountain,
or pull it tighter around me,
fading into the ranks of the deserters;

will I shout
‘Blessed is the one who comes
in the name of the Lord!’
when they parade you
before the authorities,
or will I tell any one – and every one – around me
I never met you in my life;

will I lay my palm branches at your feet,
as they march you to Calvary,
or use them to put more stripes
on your bloody back;

will I run behind you
when they carry you to the tomb,
or turn away
as the ashes of my hopes
are rubbed into the
wounds in my heart?

-anonymous

my church's good friday service was called "Tenebrae...a service of shadows".  I liked that title because it distinguished shadows from darkness.  Life is full of not only light and darkness, but dimness and shadows and all kinds of illumination -- and the shadows remind us that there must be light somewhere.

new directions

It's like Glee, only it's my life.
I always say I want to dedicate my life to God and use all my actions and gifts to serve him.  So when there was something I could do that seemed like it was all about doing that...it just seemed right.  It was another way I could make my life about my faith and share it with other people too.  I was so confident that I could continue leading my peers in ministry, learning about myself and God along the way.
And I really wanted that.

But I've learned by now that my way doesn't mean "best way", especially when it's a choice between my way and God's way.  I've been stopped on a path I've chosen before, and it will surely happen again.  It's not that I can't adjust to something new; it's just that I hate the feeling of the ground shaking beneath me, when at first it seemed steady.

It's hard not to treat this as a failure, especially when it's something I care so much about.  So now is the part when I try to stifle my inner cries of not good enough and not wanted and hope for something different.  I don't know how to silence the fear of missing my calling.  You can talk about trust and laying down burdens all you want, but in the end you can still have doubt about your choices.
So for now, I guess I'll go to bed.  Tomorrow is another day.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
Ralph Waldo Emerson


God, it's in your hands.

spring break memories [3]

This is the last of our readings, the very end to our Chambers concert.


I called through the door,
   "The followers are gathering in the street.  Come out!"


   "Leave me alone.  I'm sick."


   "I don't care if you're dead!
   Jesus is here, and he wants to resurrect somebody!"

   -Rumi 


may we all see the glory of God today.  Jesus is alive, and he is here...and for me, at least, that puts everything else in perspective.

life in pictures

Walking outside in the bright sunshine with bare feet made me feel like this:

Watching a movie about the violence, aggression, and domination at the center of our culture's male image made me feel like this:

(Accidentally starting to type "violin" instead of "violence" made me smile.)

Celebrating a long, short, hard, beautiful year made me feel like this:

There will always be things that frustrate me; things that bless me; things that allow me to breathe deeply and rest; things that make me disappointed to call myself human.

This is a prayer that I've loved since my first semester of college -- and I think right now I'm finally living it. Maybe I haven't this whole year, maybe not this whole semester, but this week at least I have felt this way, and for now that's enough.

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love. It is there for each and every one of you.
     -Mother Teresa